I’m really enjoying this stage of my pregnancy.
32 weeks in and the anticipation of it all has me fluttery in my tummy and it’s had me reflecting lately on how far I’ve come and grown since Lucas birth. Going from my existence of just being ‘Sarah’, to now being ‘Mother Sarah’. Theres been big changes and transitions within me during that time. I suspect most Mummas feel this way too.
When I gave birth to Luca on that long Winters night, I also gave birth to a new me. It like I was reborn too. A new part of ‘me’ was born and brought into the light. A stronger, more determined me. A ‘give less fu*ks” me was born.
I first noticed it beginning when I started getting upset at myself about what I thought people and society expected I should be doing with my life.
That sounds so ridiculous just typing that sentence. I got upset at myself about what others thought of me? That concept is so bizarre to me now and I feel sorry for my old self for even thinking about myself like that and if that sentence doesnt make sense to you, the new me don’t care.
So instead of worrying about others thought, I started to care more about what I thought of me, and that wasnt easy. It was all so confusing, confronting and painful to be honest. Lots of ‘things’ around me started coming to an end regardless of me wanting them to or not. It took a long time to understand why that was happening but now looking back, I do. I’m sure most new mothers have had similar experiences. Shit! You don’t even have to be a mother to have had this experience. This is just how it began with me.
In todays day and age we’’ve been expected and nicely moulded into running with the herd… and when you don’t, you’re looked upon as a ‘bit strange’. You know what’s strange to me? Running with the herd! You get bowled over, stomped on, pushed, pulled, starved even. Why on earth would someone want to run with the herd? Is it because it’s the easy way? There’s not much thinking to it. You just get rag-dolled along with the others and arrive at the finish line all bleary eyed and wtf-ed.
Beats me. Sounds tiring and boring. I like my life served with a side of sirriacha spicey sauce thank you very much.
Luca made me look so deep within myself about what I truly wanted in my life, what I cared about and exactly where i wanted to put my energy. Now that my energy had to be shared or more like devoured by Luca, it became so precious to me that I didn’t want to waste it on just anything, anyone or on any silly, distracting thoughts I had, especially about myself. I actually couldn’t afford too. I didn’t have enough energy to just throw it around. No mother does. This motherly experience had me all ‘who the hell am I’ for a while. I felt like I should be doing more than just being a mother. Like mothering wasn’t enough. What an idiotic thought. I couldnt help but think I should be out socialising, back working my ‘normal running with the herd job, making money and being busy, busy, busy but here I was, incapacitated, cosied up on the sofa… and loving it. What ever energy I had left after giving it to Luca had to go back into me… and Lach got the leftovers.
So why is it in this day and age, we as females feel like we still have to compete and show up in this ‘Mans World’. We’ve proven we can do it. But it’s this, you know, this very active energy. Male energy, of work work, work, 9 till 5 honey, always busy, racing ahead, get to the top, go here, be seen here, be seen there, book it in my diary, save a few measly $’s on the way. Everyone is SO busy is dizzying.
It’s a burning out kind of energy and one that’s not healthy for any of us and can’t be sustained…easily. I feel males need to man-up and become more in touch and open with their female energy more. Slow down and smell the roses type of energy. Who doesn’t love a open, soft, sensitive and kind fellow that’s rugged around the edges? And we females need to rise up and be in our own ‘female’ energy more. It’s happening. I see you out there nurturing your creative selves.
We’ve been fighting for equal rights for soooooo long now, and are still continuing to do so. The way woman have fought this battle has been to rise up to that active male energy of ‘We can do it too’…. as well as wearing our other hats of Mother, Lover, Housewife and all round super star. We prove it time and time again.
It’s Idiotic really that we’ve had to do this in the first place but, you know, Mans World and all.
And a lot of us have forgotten how to be feminine in the process. To be really feminine. To be totally IN that feminine energy of peace, quiet and ’self love”. To just sit there, breathing and do nothing and feel totally ok and at peace with that. To get back in nature. To get back in the kitchen. We’ve been launching ourselves out of the kitchen to get our point across in protest and honestly, I love being in the kitchen. I am a sorceress in the kitchen, whipping up so many delicious and nutritious meals, treats and medicinal concoctions. I feel powerful in the kitchen. I can have my husband trembling at the knees and drooling out of his mouth in the kitchen. I share my most intimate times with my girlfriends in the kitchen over cups of tea. I love being in the kitchen. Does that make me any less of a feminist? Of course it doesn’t. It re-energises me when I’m creating in the kitchen and it’s there where I am in my power. My feminine power. Pop me in a quiet, warm tub doused with my heavenly essential oils and I feel just like a goddess. Re charged and ready to share the love again.
Whilst we we’ve been out proving our worth in the mans world, without much choice we ignored that calling to nurture ourselves in the process and in doing so we’ve made our bodies sick (especially our female, reproductive organs) and our minds are over worked and anxious. Oh my goodness, so anxious. Get out the camomile tea and roll me in lavender oil!
We’re giving way too many fu*ks about stupid, petty, societal and superficial things. We give anyone and everyone our energy. Like Oprah at Christmas… “and you get some, and you get some and you get some”. No wonder we’re all so exhausted and run down.
Start by saying ‘No’. No is a positive word I’ve found.
It’s taken some time (and guts) to fully hear my own voice, listen to it and in all honesty trust it… but when I do, it makes me feel more confident in knowing who i am and where i’m going and funnily enough, my stars, and my families, seem to align more when i do.
Shits changing…again!
And I know you feel it too.
Leave a Reply