Cutesy little beach tents have one sole purpose… and that sole purpose is to humiliate and drive you into publicly displaying your inner psycho.
Since becoming a mother I have celebrated two Christmas’ and on both occasions I have asked Santa to bring me a beach tent. The most finest of beach tents that are simple to both erect and take down. One that a mother with child can operate easily and swiftly. No fuss. Light weight, provides shade and yet sturdy enough for an afternoon at the beachside.
Last Christmas, Santa must have had a good ol’ chuckle as he dropped my present under the tree. It was one of those pop up, umbrella like tents. Instructions read like a dream, simply pull this lever and “BOOM”, up goes your tent.
Sounded easy enough.
Santa had my approval.
That Christmas day I watched my husband set it up with ease. So later that week I trotted off with Luca and the tent riverside to set up camp for the day.
I never got the tent up.
I stood there like a frenzied cat in a bag, flinging about a nylon tent sheet, mumbling obscenities aloud to myself, cursing Santa and contorting my body into all sorts of positions trying to erect the stupid thing. I nearly broke the lever. I nearly broke into tears. I felt I had failed.
Surely enough I did what any good woman would do, threw it to the side, left it spread open, unerect, flopping around on the sand for the afternoon while Luca and I gayly splashed around in the water and ate snacks under the shade of our hats.
Fair to say the tent failed my expectations and is now for sale on gumtree. Any takers?
So this Christmas, a beach tent with the same description, again was on my Santa list.
A local store in my hood had put up a post on Instagram raving about these new beach tents they had in stock. In the picture was a bubba enjoying a day at the beach running around their tent and underneath it had written “So easy to put up & down, even with 2 sandy bummed kids in tow”.
This intrigued me. I was curious. Could this be it? Apparently so said my friend when I ran into her on the beach the next day. She had also seen the post and purchased one after going into the store and having a demonstration. She said it was eeeeeeasy peeeeeasy.
I had to see this for myself, so in I went for a demo.
‘Poooooof” The lady threw the folded up tent into the air. It miraculously untwisted itself and landed perfectly on the floor, all set up and cubby like. I was blown away. “This actually could be the one I thought. Now to see the ‘pack down’. I was dubious.
“Now just pick up the sides, bennnnnnd, fold it down like this, twist aaaaaand snap. Done!” she demonstrated like a magician.
Now my turn. To my astonishment the tent folded neatly and seemingly easily into its cocoon of a bag. I’d done it.
I’d found ‘The One.’
On the 2017 Santa list it went.
Santa provided.
Christmas day came and I unwrapped my beach tent and demonstrated to the family how easy this tent was to assemble and disassemble. It was a little trickier this time around but I managed with enough ease to raise a few approved eye brows.
Finally, a beach tent I would use. I felt so lucky to have come across this tent. I was superbly pleased with it and couldn’t wait to take it down for a lazy afternoon of delight by the seaside.
That day came. Today in fact. Two girlfriends popped over. One has two babies. We packed up our beach bags, slip, slop, slapped on some sunscreen and I proudly threw the beachtent bag over my shoulders. “Wait till you see how easy this tent goes up and down” I proudly bragged to the girls… and off we went.
“Poof’ Up went the tent as I threw it into the air. So easy. Right before our eyes shelter and shade was provided. Tick.
We snacked and swam, bathed in the sunshine and chased our little ones all over the beach. It was a lovely day, the water was refreshing and crystal clear as it lapped at the water’s edge. Everyone was having a lovely afternoon.
At the first sign of our little ones exhausted moans we decided it was time to pack up and leave. There were a hundred things to do. Collect all the splayed buckets and spades, return someones boogie board Luca had stolen, put a nappy on her, wipe sand from every crevasse, shake out the towels, slop all the half eaten snacks back into their containers, find the car keys and… pack up the tent.
“I got this tent pack down routine in the bag” I thought to myself.
“Ok, so watch this guys. Watch this, watch this” I enthusiastically called out to my girlfriends as I proceeded to demonstrate and twist up the bendy shelter tent.
And I kept proceeding… for about 15 minutes.
“Oh hang on, it’s like this. Nope, it’s like this. Ah no, maybe this way.
I don’t remember doing it this way. How did I do it again. This doesn’t feel right. Oh god, everyone is looking at me. I’m that idiot on the beach that everyone is laughing at. I would be laughing at myself if I was watching me.
Now even Luca was starting to point and sternly mumble at it. She knew the tent was misbehaving.
I had quite the intense, internal rage and conniption bubbling inside my body. On the outside I was keeping pretty cool and calm, a bit of twit and aloof laughing at myself but inside was hurting with anger. I was so frustrated at the tent. Why did it betray me now? Why couldn’t it have done this in the shop, or on Christmas Day in the backyard? Why did it have to do this to me now, infront of everyone. Especially in front of my GF’s whom I’d just been convincing they need to get one.
Finally I surrendered, bent down and sweetly twisted the life out of it so that it had nowhere else to go but into its stupid cocoon bag. All twisted and busting out of the zipper it sat.
It was the pressure. The pressure of the people watching me that had made me fail. I was too calm and cocky going into it. I shouldn’t have said anything and just done it humbly. Stupid tent.
I went home with my tail between my legs. Lucky I have an essential oil sanctuary to go home to calm and regroup myself in. My inner rage had failed me but I had managed to still keep my cool on the outside. Not like last years tantrum.
But I wasn’t going to let this little tent have it over me, so when I arrived home I threw it open into the yard. ‘Poofpphf’. It sat all wonky now due to the forceful stuffing. Sitting sideways on the lawn it mocked me. Hands on my hips I starred it down for a minute or so. I’d shoved it in its bag pretty hard and it was showing.
Breathing deeply I calmly approached it, took it by the sides, folded it down and “BOOM”. It collapsed into its god given shape. There it was. Neat and tidy, swiftly sitting in my hands.
Yooouuuu bastard!
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