Alrighty, so I’ve had this one written out and sitting in my drive for over 3 months now. I got distracted and never posted it. But now I have the urge to start writing them more frequently again so i thought I’d better get this one out first…
This post is about the first day of abandoning my baby at childcare. That’s what it felt like for me. Is this what it felt like for you? Abandoning her/them?
Turning my back on her whilst she tried with all her might to break free of the strangers arms I just plonked her in, wailing for me to come back and embrace her.
“It’s best if you just go” the stranger whispered to me with an underlying tone of pity.
So reluctantly, I did.
Walking anxiously back to my car, Luca’s heart wrenching sobs became more distant with every step I took away from her. My mind was telling me one thing and my heart was screaming another. The grip on my car keys had my knuckles turning white. That tickly feeling in my sinuses let me know that tears were on the way.
“Keep walking”, my head was saying. “She’s fine.” “This is good for her”. “It’s good for you.”
But her sobbing kept echoing in my mind, over and over. “She wants me.” “She needs me.” “I can fix her.” “I can soothe her.” “Run back to her” my heart pulsed.
How could I be doing this to her I asked myself.
I was just about to burst into tears when I saw my friends arriving to drop off their baby girl. I had to pull myself together as best I could before they saw me. How embarrassing? Shaking my head and taking a deep breath I pretended I was ok… But I’m totally transparent and my friend saw through me. Knowing it was our first day she gave me a gentle, reassuring hug. We laughed off the emotions and I called myself a stupid, bubbling mess…
Holding myself together, I shakily opened my car door, plopped my body down and inclosed myself in my vehicle. The noise of my daughters crying was shut out too. Again I white knuckled the steering wheel, starring ahead into the nothing, just staring mindlessly I let the horrible feeling of guilt rumble up inside me and it exploded into ugly cry. Not a huge explosion but enough to be a bit of a weeping mess.
What a mix of emotions. I thought we (Luca and I) were so ready and prepared for this. Luca is 20 months old. I thought well and truly she would handle this like a little legend. I thought well and truly that I would handle this like a little legend. But nope. Leaving my daughter for the first time with ‘strangers’ twisted all sorts of emotions within me.
I knew in my mind that she would be totally fine and having fun within minutes of me leaving but I also knew that in that very moment of leaving her, I broke her heart a little bit.
And that’s what got me.
Knowing that I was the first person in her innocent life to tear at her heart-strings.
Even my heart was breaking as I was walking away. (Perfect time to que in ‘I’m walking away’ song by Craig David)
In the lead up to the big day, we had talked about it. She eluded me to the fact she was ok with childcare as she was perfectly behaved at orientation day. Walking off and playing with the other kids immediately. Even waving and saying “Bye-bye” to me as I walked out the gate. ( My heart broke then too, like she was happy to see me go) So you can see why I thought we had this in the bag. She had disillusioned me.
That morning as I was packing her favourite snacks into her lunchbox, we discussed how I was leaving her at ‘playtime’ for the day. I’d covered her in my magic oils to repel her against any germies, (I’m so paranoid of her getting sick. I love my sleep and sick baby = no sleep for me. Selfish but true.)
I rubbed oil all through her hair and neatly tied it up, slipped on a super cute dress, threw a spare change of clothes into her bag, extra nappies, cuddly toys and her stupid dummy and we were off. In the car we were chatting excitedly about ‘Playtime’ the entire trip.
Closing the car doors, we hopped out and together walked hand in hand to the gates. When I opened the gates, she hesitated and began to walk slowly and cautiously. She could smell that something was up. She peered in slowly and then ran back to me for a leg cuddle. (I love a good leg cuddle but not in this circumstance. This meant trouble)
We were greeted by her minder and I began to say my goodbyes. That’s when it started. Staring with fear into my eyes her tears started rolling. Sobbing ‘No, no no” and trying to climb up on me.
I knew I had to get up and turn my back on her. I had to walk away from her and leave her. My heart was tearing in two but I didn’t want to be that overprotective, pesky Mum. So up I got and out I walked. Biting my lip I pulled the gate shut and walked off on her.
As cold as that… Iccccce cold.
Her cries became distant, as did my responsibility for her.
I drove off in a fog. A dazed, foggy mess. I didn’t know where I was driving. I had an entire day to fill… ON MY OWN. With no child.
What was I going to do?
How strange that feeling is.
Having no responsibility attached to you.
I felt kind of empty. Like not whole.
I drove to the beach to wash off the anxiety.
Parking the car, I heard my phone beep.
I looked down.
It was a text from Child Care.
Opening it up, I found a photo of Luca happily staring into a fish aquarium and it read “ Loving the fish bowl minutes after you left”.
I dove into the ocean and washed away the fog.
Now, as I stated earlier, this blog was written 3 months ago… So a quick update… I’ve now moved Luca to a different child care. A busier, more stimulating one. 1 day a week so I can work. And she loves it. So much so that she cries when I arrive to take her home. I feel embarrassed in front of the childcare workers when I go to pick Luca up to take her home and she cries out “No, no. Stay here. Not home, not home’. Like our home is an awfully boring place to be…
I have to up my ‘at home’ fun.
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