Stupid face trying to hold down an ice-cream
If you’re familiar with my face in the photograph I have provided then you’ll know exactly what it means. I’ve described that face before in my very first post. But here it is again…
I’d like to introduce you to the ‘stupid face’. ‘Stupid face’ is when you don’t have the energy to hold up your own facial muscles. ‘Stupid face’ can be caused from being insanely hungover, nausea, extreme fatigue, mental confusion, idiocy and… morning sickness.
Once again this particular ‘stupid face’ in the above photo is molded by lethargy, pain and morning sickness. Yes, yes that right. It seems we are having another baby folks. After all my ranting about how challenging and provoking having a baby is in previous post it just so happens that there will be a lot more ranting to come! Let the good times roll.
We actually didn’t even know we were pregnant. We weren’t trying and we definitely hadn’t planned to have one so soon… but as it turns out, we are. We have been incredibly lucky to be gifted with another bubba and we are giddy with excitement… and nervous too of course. Super nervous. Just the thought of heading into that ‘newborn storm’ again makes me already tired. So soporific. No sleep, leaking milk, swollen boobs, hot sweats at night. That gut lurching feeling you get when you’re FINALLY asleep and then you hear your baby screech awake in the middle of the night…again! Its like your heart is escaping from your chest. You know that feeling? Tough times but weirdly its insanely beautiful too. Sitting in the dark silence of the night nursing your warm bug back to sleep. Bliss!
I’m going on 17 weeks and my middle is as big as I was at 6 months during Lucas pregnancy. My back fat is outta control. I’m already in my granny underwear. Size 16, high waisted knickers that come up to my shoulders. But oh so comfy. The maternity pants have been dug out of the box and I’ve past that ‘you just look fat’ stage. I now actually look pregnant.
And as many women do, I spent the first 12 weeks dragging myself around the house and workplace holding down vomit. How quick those old memories from my first pregnancy come flooding back. And weird shit too. Like in my first pregnancy I couldn’t talk about tumeric lattes and the very thought of Byron Bay made me want to throw up.That’s where we found out we were pregnant first time around. In Byron. It did pass though. I can handle the place again, thank goodness. But it’s so bizarre what our hormones do to our minds when we fall pregnant. Another friend of mine recently found out she was pregnant when she was camping and then the very thought of camping made her spew from there on.
So a few weekends ago those same hormones came a knockin. I was beginning to lose it, emotionally. It was Sunday morning. Lach was home with Luca and I was frowning, foaming at the mouth and generally slothing and miserably throwing myself around the kitchen. Lach, like any good man, could smell the hormones leaking out of me and knew he had approximately 10 minutes to evacuate the house with Luca, quickly, quietly and swiftly. Bless him.
Once alone, I stripped off and flopped myself on the floor of the shower, turned the hot water on so it was nearly singing my skin and cried. Ugly cried. Full on ugly cry, howling at the ceiling, gapping at the mouth, bawling my eyes out, making all sorts of strange, wild animal noises. And, as I was doing this I was asking myself in my mind why I was crying. It wasn’t making sense. I had no reason to be crying and because there was no reason it made me cry even more, deeper and louder. I wasn’t sad about anything. Life was good. Snot was dribbling out of my nose and I howled even more watching it swirl down the drain. I just sat there in my unknownness and cried for at least 20 minutes. Off and on. I would stop and catch my breath, stare at the floor and wonder why I was crying and then it would rise up again and out it rumbled. I felt a bit pathetic really. Like ‘pull myself together you silly woman’ but it just kept on comin.
Once I had finally calmed down and regained my self worth again, I had an intense craving for a fresh salad sandwich… but the thought of making one myself was just too much. It was too much energy for me to get out of the shower, dry myself, get dressed and make a sandwich. I began to howl again. “I’m just so tired’ I was howling to myself. “I’m just soooooo tired”I roared.
And that was it. That’s why I was crying so much. I was just too tired to deal with life that particular morning. Once I realised that’s why I was crying, I made a plan which entailed making that damn salad sandwich and high tail it straight to bed. Which I did.
I wrapped myself in my dressing gown, slapped some mayo on some bread, stuffed it with greenery and tomatoes and took it to bed with my like the Golem with his ring. As fast as I could I scoffed my sandwich, eyes closed and then pulled the sheets up over my head and passed out. For a solid 4 hours.
I woke up feeling like I’d risen from a coma. Dazed and fuzzy.
There has been no more crying since that day. Maybe I cried it all away.
17 weeks in and I’m actually feeling quite good now. With Lucas pregnancy, I was ill for 6 months, which is why I think this one is a boy. It feels different.
So now not only am I going to be ‘lost in Luca land’ but I am also going to be lost in ‘someone else’s land’. I wonder when ‘I’ will be found? Will I forever be lost in my childrens lands now? I’m thinking this is what motherhood is. To forever be wound up in their ‘lands’. Always putting them first. Always worrying about them. Protecting them, sacrificing for them, losing sleep over them.
I guess my challenge will be, to somehow blend and balance our ‘lands’ together.
Women are incredible. But we all know that right?
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